Skip to main content

No One Tells New Parents About Explosive Stealth Poo Tar

In our house, I take the kids to school and daycare in the morning, and my wife picks them up in the evening. The baby, now 6 months old, is usually happy, and our middle-school son is really self-sufficient, so this is not difficult, even for me. Once in a while, however, the baby's Morning Constitutional lines up with our time to leave and there is an Incident. 

Modern diapers are truly amazing and they normally work very well. When modern diapers fail, however, they cease to be diapers and become Poo Vectoring Systems. They no longer catch, hold, or even slow down the poo - they just redirect it out and upwards like a shaped charge explosive.

My son's normal, er, movements are so loud that everyone in the house knows that they have happened. He has, however, developed an Explosive Stealth Mode Poo where no one hears anything, but thanks to the diaper forming a Poo Vectoring System, he manages to coat his back up to his shoulder blades in what can only be described as Poo Tar. I have to use the orange, water-less hand cleaner with pumice that I buy at the auto parts store to completely remove the smell of Poo Tar from my hands. Because he is so happy, he doesn't cry or fuss. He just plays until I pick him up to leave the house. This initiates part 2 of The Incident.

A 6 month old baby doesn't understand when you ask them to please sit still, and they are strong enough to wiggle all over, roll around, kick their legs, and generally move every muscle in their entire body all at once. They can't quite support themselves so you have to hang on to them, especially when they are on a changing table. This is usually great fun - right up until they are covered with Poo Tar. 

The Scenario: You and the baby are dressed to leave the house. The baby can't sit or stand without support. The middle-school child has to be to school in 15 minutes, and your bosses weekly staff meeting starts 30 min. The baby is covered in Poo Tar up to his shoulder blades. When you remove the baby's ruined clothes the baby will get cold and begin to wiggle all over. You must hang on to the poo covered, wiggling baby without getting poo covered yourself, and without covering the rest of the house with poo - either from the baby or the poo soaked clothes, diaper, wipes, changing pad, etc. - and be quick about it because the other kid has to get to school - and don't get it on yourself - and don't drop the baby. 

This may be the way to end the problem of unplanned, teen pregnancies. If you are the parent of a teen, find a friend or a relative who has a baby and volunteer your teen to change the next explosive poo. After that, the child will not be making babies until they are 30 or 40 and have completed thorough counseling.


Popular posts from this blog

Reducing CO2 in your home the nerd way

For Christmas my wife gave me a Netatmo weather station because I am a home weather station nerd. The Netatmo is very cool, but it has an unexpected feature: it measures indoor Carbon Dioxide (CO2) levels. As soon as I set it up, the Netatmo began to alert that our indoor CO2 was at an unsafe level. The notes said that outdoor CO2 is usually around 400 ppm, and numbers above 1500 ppm could be unhealthy. On that first day, my house was at around 1300 ppm. Prior to that, I never gave indoor CO2 levels a thought. I began to do some research and discovered high levels of CO2 can cause symptoms such as fatigue, headache, breathing difficulties, strained eyes and itchy skin.  My family does have all of these issues, especially on the weekends when we are home all day, but I never connected that to indoor air quality. Previously, I installed a Nest thermostat . The Nest is very smart and saves energy by learning your habits and programming itself. Unfortunately, it is so efficient, that t

Global Entry - The TSA Trusted Traveler Program - or - How to Go In The Short Line At The Airport Security

Ever since September 11th, 2001, flying has been a hassle. With each failed attempt to smuggle explosives on an airplane, the TSA makes us get more undressed at airport security. In fact, for really early morning flights, we should probably all just show up in our jammies and then get dressed once we are through the scanner because currently we get up, get dressed, go to the airport, get half undressed, go through security, and then get dressed again. For quite some time, people have been asking the TSA so implement some kind of pre-screening program where travelers could have a background check in advance, and then be allowed to go in a shorter line. That day is finally here, and the TSA is now rolling out a Trusted Traveler Program known as Global Entry . In a nutshell, you pay $100, fill out some online forms, go in for an interview, present your proof of ID, and get fingerprinted and photographed. Yes, it sounds like some red tape, but then, every time you make an airline reser

How To Make School Lunches More Nutritious: Re-Define Words

If you are a parent of a child who attends public school in Washington, and if you have even a vague recollection of the food pyramid , you probably will have noticed that the lunches that are served in school cafeterias are frequently at odds with the rules of good nutrition. The school is not wrong, however. They have just re-defined words and you are not keeping up. Pop quiz:  Cheese belongs to what food group? *bzzz* - wrong. You said that cheese was in the diary food group , right? No! Pbth! How boringly accurate of you. Cheese magically transforms into a protein when it is served on pizza or in a bread stick! I know that you may be dubious, but I contacted Wendy Barkley, RD,  who is the Acting Supervisor of School Nutrition Programs in the State of Washington Office of Superintendent of Public Instruction and she assured me that it is so. To quote her email to me: " Pizza remains an option for schools for their menus.  The cheese on pizza is counted as a protein in t