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No One Tells New Parents About Explosive Stealth Poo Tar

In our house, I take the kids to school and daycare in the morning, and my wife picks them up in the evening. The baby, now 6 months old, is usually happy, and our middle-school son is really self-sufficient, so this is not difficult, even for me. Once in a while, however, the baby's Morning Constitutional lines up with our time to leave and there is an Incident. 

Modern diapers are truly amazing and they normally work very well. When modern diapers fail, however, they cease to be diapers and become Poo Vectoring Systems. They no longer catch, hold, or even slow down the poo - they just redirect it out and upwards like a shaped charge explosive.

My son's normal, er, movements are so loud that everyone in the house knows that they have happened. He has, however, developed an Explosive Stealth Mode Poo where no one hears anything, but thanks to the diaper forming a Poo Vectoring System, he manages to coat his back up to his shoulder blades in what can only be described as Poo Tar. I have to use the orange, water-less hand cleaner with pumice that I buy at the auto parts store to completely remove the smell of Poo Tar from my hands. Because he is so happy, he doesn't cry or fuss. He just plays until I pick him up to leave the house. This initiates part 2 of The Incident.

A 6 month old baby doesn't understand when you ask them to please sit still, and they are strong enough to wiggle all over, roll around, kick their legs, and generally move every muscle in their entire body all at once. They can't quite support themselves so you have to hang on to them, especially when they are on a changing table. This is usually great fun - right up until they are covered with Poo Tar. 

The Scenario: You and the baby are dressed to leave the house. The baby can't sit or stand without support. The middle-school child has to be to school in 15 minutes, and your bosses weekly staff meeting starts 30 min. The baby is covered in Poo Tar up to his shoulder blades. When you remove the baby's ruined clothes the baby will get cold and begin to wiggle all over. You must hang on to the poo covered, wiggling baby without getting poo covered yourself, and without covering the rest of the house with poo - either from the baby or the poo soaked clothes, diaper, wipes, changing pad, etc. - and be quick about it because the other kid has to get to school - and don't get it on yourself - and don't drop the baby. 

This may be the way to end the problem of unplanned, teen pregnancies. If you are the parent of a teen, find a friend or a relative who has a baby and volunteer your teen to change the next explosive poo. After that, the child will not be making babies until they are 30 or 40 and have completed thorough counseling.

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