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Showing posts from 2009

The Awakening

*** Warning *** This story contains graphic content that childless people should not read. Dateline - July 10 th , 2009, Tukwila , WA, 2:30 AM PDT: I awoke from a sound sleep for no particular reason that I could detect. I prepared to roll over and fall back to sleep when I heard it in the next room - SPLATTER, "gasp!" I lept out of bed, scrambled for a robe, and ran to my son's room. I opened the door and - ewwwww . He was standing a few feet from the door, stupefied. In front of him was a small lake of barf and I had stepped right in it with my bare feet. It's been so long since I have had to get up in the night with him that I thought that my parental radar was no longer functioning. Apparently, I was mistaken. I told him to stand still a minute and got some towels so I could make a bridge for him to use to cross the lake of barf (LOB) and get to the bathroom. When I got the towels his brain ground back into action and he was able to get to the bathroom where

Gracie and the Raccoon

Gracie is my fat cat, and apparently, a super hero. She even has a tragic flaw like all good superheroes. Her previous owner named her Gracie because she is just not that graceful. Trapped in a studio apartment before I adopted her, she grew fat and desperate to get outside. Now she lives with us and spends her days moving from prime napping spot to prime napping spot. She naps in the sun. She naps in the shade. She naps under shrubbery. She naps on neighbors porches. Once in a while she will chase a squirrel (she usually can't be bothered), but stops quickly because she is tuckered out. The squirrels are not scarred. She talks a lot, too. Mostly she wants food, or to be petted, or for me to sit down so she can nap on me. My son and I often speculate about what the cats do during the day while we are gone. We joke that they only pretend to be lazy but as soon as we leave they are off to fight crime. Now I am beginning to wonder if that might be true. Yesterday I was working fro

Childcare Roulette

Tomorrow I have no child care. As all working parents have discovered, the "people" (sociopaths) at school districts who make schedules still think that it is 1950 and that every family has 2 parents and 1 of them a) does not work, and b) is at the beck and call of the school to just rush in at any time. I mention this because my son's before and after school care is hosted at one of the schools in the district. Any time that the district makes the decision to close that school then I have no childcare. Tomorrow I have advanced notice. If the school janitor has a sniffle and doesn't come in to unlock the doors, I find out when I pull up at the school on the way to work. Tomorrow is the last day of school, finally. The kids have had to make up a bunch of snow days, which is a whole other subject. Anyway, the district decided that the last day should be 3 hours long, and then everyone has to get out. Therefore, no childcare. Sure, I don't work on Tuesdays - oh, wa

Dead Right

Today a friend of mine shared a link to a story about a boater who ran his fairly large cabin cruiser up onto the beach . He was asleep and the boat was on autopilot. He made excuses about everyone else being asleep, too, and the autopilot "malfunctioning." The real truth is this - you do not need a license to operate a pleasure boat in Washington. No training required. Nothing. If you can slap down the money and turn the ignition you are boating. As anyone who has actually had any boat safety training at all knows, there are quite a lot of boaters out there who do not have the first notion about the Coast Guard "Rules of the Road." In my sailing classes we learned a term for sailers who know that they have the right of way, but are facing a boater who does not know that rule: Dead Right. In other words, you are right that you have the right of way, but dead because a big boat hit you because the captain of that boat didn't know that rule. In driving cla

Gitmo High Security Retirement Home

On a recent visit to Kansas, I and some of my family paid a visit to some of our notoriously stubborn elder relatives. These little old ladies all live alone and refuse to consider any other living arrangement. None of them really have any business being alone. They fall, they nearly burn their houses down, but they will not be moved. I have often thought that any attempt to move them is going to involve SWAT and pepper spray, and the only successful move will be a black op where camouflaged troops are dropped in by chopper in the middle of the night, the old ladies are drugged and blindfolded, and then whisked away to a nursing home in an undisclosed location. This actually got me thinking about a business opportunity. Our new president has signed the order to close Gitmo and it has me wondering what will become of the place. Whatever your political beliefs I am sure that we can all agree that Gitmo is quite a secure facility. Lots of cells for holding the worst of the worst, but

Power Washing the Shrubbery

My son and I lead a fairly standard, suburban life. I take him to before-school care and then I go off to work. After work I go and get him and we go home for dinner. He has various after school activities that he attends and I take him around to those, too. On the weekends we try to do something fun, and if the weather is decent we do a bit of yard work. That description could probably cover a large percentage of suburban households with school age kids. My next door neighbor is retired. When I say he is retired, I mean he is properly retired. He used to work, and now he does not. No second jobs. No going in to the office once in a while. He and his wife have an Airstream trailer and they use it fairly often. His primary hobby, bordering on obsession, is yard maintenance. My yard is OK. Just OK. Bits of it are kind of nice, and other bits of it are almost feral. I do lawn care because I must. Since it rains 9 months of the year here, and never really gets very cold, the vegetati